On Poly Titles
​
Poly and part of what bugs me about the term “secondary”
​​
I’m in a poly relationship, have been for years now, it works well for me. My poly partner is a married woman who is amazing. We spend a lot of time together, with our kids, without our kids, cooking, cleaning, and building REALLY BIG fires ;-) You get the idea.
​
Over the years of reading about poly I have been confronted over and over again with the term “secondary” and thought a lot about it and have decided, I hate the term secondary, it’s way too simplistic.
​
The first thing that bugs me about the term is that it implies the “secondary” is half as important as the primary (simple math there) and that the relationship “takes a second seat too” the other relationship.
​
Well, having grown up in a world of bench seats where 3 people can sit and knowing that between 1 and 2 there is 1.05, 1.1, 1.15 et al… I just find the nuance to be missing.
​
I’m guilty of it too. I tell my darling I’m looking for my “primary”, my first or whatever and the language often hurts her because it implies that…you get the idea.
​
I’m not a “second” nor do I need a “first”. While I understand I’m her “second” partner chronologically speaking, I’m not a second nor is she. I’m a poly partner and other poly partners are welcome. If I was to insist on a “metric” (time, overnights, whatever) I’m a 1.*** simply as a matter of convenience and time, not for lacking priority.
​
So there it is, I don’t like the term “secondary” in poly, I get why it exists, but I don’t like it.
​